In Which I Post An Old Online Conversation Between Craig and Myself. And You Wonder Why We Fell In Love and Got Married!

Tanya:

Everybody always picks on Tonya Harding! Oh, well, I suppose it's rough when you reach a certain level of elegance and class - people are aaaalways jealous of you then!

Mucky:

Yeah, RIGHT!

'Scuse me. I'm going out to the barn to milk the chickens.

Tanya:

Okay, but wash them first!

Mucky:

Oh, of course. Warm wash, little bleach. Tumble dry. I always throw a little fabric softener in, too, to keep the chickens cuddly and smelling fresh.

Tanya:

Do you use those little fabric sheets for the dryer - you know, to keep them chickens from clinging to your sweater?

Mucky:

Yes, I use Smuggle(TM) fabric softening sheets.

Tanya:

Soooo...they make your other clothes look like you're smuggling chickens under them? Or do you just take on an air of pure superiority and smugness? Tiring minds want to know.

Mucky:

Well, if you must know, my chickens are all illegal aliens from Mexico. No green cards, so I pay them under the table. Like this: (Paying chickens the under table) See?

Tanya:

Fascinating concept. Can you pay them behind the sofa, too? Or does that get too crampy? Trying minds continue in their quest for knowledge (or the next best thing: speculation based on other people's opinions)

Mucky:

I can't pay them behind the sofa, because there are federal agents back there. They're behind the fridge, too. Been there. I also tried paying the poor dears under a pile of clothes in my room. Wasn't long before I could see the binoculars and badges under there. (sigh)

Tanya:

Oh no! The empty coffee cups and donut boxes in my bathroom...you don't THINK...?

Mucky:

Yes. Yes, I DO think. Get your chickens out of the bathroom right away and spray some Lysol in there.

It's the scent. Federales have that smell of beans and chiles and paperwork and more beans. Plus, the Lysol makes them tear up when it gets in their eyes, so you can move your chickens out while the agents are crying. Spray behind the shower curtain, under the toilet lid, in the hamper. Anywhere agents can hide.